Viren Vaz | Chapter 4 | The Presenting Problem

The Unconventional Series

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In 2015, he discovered that his wife had been unfaithful. This broke him. Despite the pain, it became a pivotal moment that pushed him to rebuild his life. As the marriage hit the rocks they did their guilt fights, ego fights, and loss of trust fights for a year. Despite the turmoil, they believed they needed to stay together for their son, driven by societal norms that equate a broken marriage with personal failure and Viren's ego, which convinced him that he was at fault for his wife's betrayal. He found self-blame easier because it gave him a sense of control; if he was at fault, he could fix the problem without relying on someone else.

“Why didn’t you leave? Were you still in love?” 

He says “I don’t know about love but I think I was more in responsibility.”

They couldn’t reach a joint decision to see a marriage counsellor. Viren tried to fix their marriage by spending more time with his wife. They would wake up early, read books, and discuss them, yet avoid discussing their issues, preferring to remain in their uncomfortable comfort zone. After a year, Viren began asking himself vital questions: What do I want? What does she want? They were still good friends and wanted to raise their son together. They agreed to have an open marriage, and the bitterness ceased. This arrangement allowed Viren to have his wife's time for himself, as she was the person who understood him best. He also wanted to learn from her experiences with others. This system worked to maintain a smooth household for their child, while his woodwork gave him the contentment and happiness that the marriage no longer could. Physical intimacy was gone, but he didn’t mind. They knew they would eventually separate but agreed to stay together as long as possible.

“How an open marriage works?”

Viren explains, "Everything has to be transparent between the partners. For example, if she is going on a weeklong trip with someone, she just tells me and I take over the household responsibilities."

In 2016, his wife pursued her master's while Viren continued in his unhappy job for financial security. His broken marriage became the catalyst that unravelled other issues. He says, "My marriage was the major eye-opener. It is a major social contract, and there is an understanding that firstly, you are going to be happy. Secondly, things will never break up or should never be allowed to break up. This was in my head from looking at role models – the older couples. But when all of that started breaking apart, I started rethinking what a marriage is. And finally, it came to a very basic point – marriage is just two people performing the role of bringing up children so they can grow in a particular manner. I still believe in this definition. I’m not sure why they are performing this role, though. But you are locking that person for this role.”

“This deconstruction took me years and led me to deconstruct the concept of work. Why am I working? I am working for money and ego (recognition). I don’t care about ego, and I realized I have enough money. I calculated how much money I needed to survive, and checked how much per month we were spending, and it came to ₹75,000 in 2017. So, I said to my wife, if we both bring in a total of ₹75,000, why do I need to do a job that brings in ₹3 lakh per month but makes me unhappy? I had an additional income from woodwork, good savings after working for 13 years, and no liabilities.”

Viren's father encouraged him to pursue woodwork and not to make the same mistake he did, slogging to make money at the cost of his relationship with his children. They weren’t close and had a very functional connection. While these thoughts sowed the seeds for quitting his unhappy job, the final trigger was his boss going bonkers in a meeting.

His boss said, "You fuckers are all slaves. I hope you understand that. You are like the galley slaves – the rowers in the Roman boat whom we whip to row the boat and once in a while throw some food. But understand one thing, while you are rowing that boat, I and another manager are in another boat, rowing it. We are also slaves. So, what you are going to do at max is change the company and hence change the boat, but you will remain slaves. You will work for another 20-30 years just like this.”

Everyone in the meeting was shocked, but Viren was enlightened. That’s when he realized the futility of all that he was doing – it was not for himself but for a scrap of money. Two weeks later, in January 2017, Viren resigned and was finally let go in May 2017. At that time, he was earning ₹3 lakhs per month, managing a team of 15.

By then, Viren was confident he could make a living by teaching woodwork, based on his three years of teaching at Maker’s Asylum. He would have less money but more contentment. Many of my readers might think it was easy for him to quit his default path and start anew because he came from an upper-middle-class background or already knew a craft to make money. Or you might wonder, “What took him so long to be happy? He had a house and good savings.”

Well, let our hero explain, “It’s the deep-rooted conditioning by society and your inner circle. You are the man; you have to provide for your family, which is your primary responsibility. If you stop working, what is your need or role in the family? It was never a thought that I wanted to stop making money; I was more coming from a point where I wanted to make money while enjoying my work. Another fear instilled is not having enough money – what is enough? Has anyone told us what is enough? If you say enough money, someone will tell you, ‘What if you get a disease that costs you 1 lakh per month for treatment? Are you ready for that?’ And then you start thinking, ‘Yes, my insurance will not cover this, and I should make more money.’ This fear is deep-rooted.”

So, it seems many times we aren’t able to break free of the chains because of imagined fears and conventional definitions of what we should be. The moment we start questioning them, the answers we seek begin to appear – but only if we want them to.

“I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”

Mark Twain

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